How do I describe to you, Depression?

I can tell you what it is not-

It is not a breakup with your boyfriend

It is not having a bad day

It is not wondering who would come to your funeral

It is not your parents not letting you stay out past curfew

It is not (just) low self esteem

It is not being hungover

Or realizing the state of the world.

It is:

A too-strong gust of freezing wind when you’re wet and shivering

It is laying awake at night, every night, thinking of every horrible thing that could ever happen and how it doesn’t hold a candle to what’s going on in your head

It is never wishing this feeling on your worst enemy

It is being alienated and lonely, it is no one understanding even when they understand

It is crying and not knowing why, shivering when you’re not cold, heroin withdrawals in your heart

It is a weight, bricks and bricks, on your shoulders as you Sisyphus your way up the hill of life

It is not seeing any light, at the end of the tunnel or otherwise

It is a heaviness that comes from lacking the happiness chemical in your brain-

It is NOT having a bad day
It is NOT having a bad day
It is NOT having a bad day

You focus on your thoughts
Your emotions
You think they are so private
So personal
You forget that your sleeves show
Everything that goes on in there
You forget how observant I am
You forget how well I know you
And when you forget
I can’t
And I notice everything

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

I once dated a metal head
For a long time
He was a “hater”
You know the type
Any music that wasn’t black metal
Was “indie bullshit”
Everyone was dumb and
Thugs were “goofballs”
Hipsters were “dorks”

Finally I realized
It’s not that everyone is laughable
EXCEPT metal heads
It’s just that
Everyone is laughable.

• john: pit bulls have the reputation for being dangerous
• me: they have the reputation for having the reputation of being dangerous

i think it’s really special

when you can look at another woman

a strong, beautiful woman 

and instead of seeing her as a threat, or a reminder of the things you are not

seeing her as a role model, a peer, a friend

with respect, not jealousy

with admiration, not hatred

you know?

Sometimes I wish I didn’t watch all those TED talks and read those studies and learn about body language

Because now I can tell when you lie

Every time
And it’s a lot more often than I thought
And suddenly I wonder
Which stories are true?

I don’t want to doubt you